tEnNis!: January 2017

play around with the bounceicles. drag them round. jump on them. and more!

Monday, January 9, 2017

Maybe im running high on female hormones since its red alert time but just wanted to pen my thoughts down on something. ive been pretty thoughtful lately idk why.

My cousin just got married. congratulations to the happy couple. There was of course a huge wedding with the huge fam all there, and even the extended ones that i dont even know. Its been the second wedding of the string of marriages in these few months, but everytime after these big events i always get quite emotional. For the bride and groom yes, but these events seem to make me happy and also sad.

Because i start thinking about how big of a family i have and how we're all so happy together and some day, any time, i may start to lose them one by one.. and im not and will never be ready for that. Being in this one big happy family (despite the fights), we enjoy being together, we enjoy the numbers, we enjoy the jokes and laughter. At a young age i always felt like it was going to be like that for a long long time, like an eternity. When ahma passed away last year it didn't hit me straight away, but slowly i realised that i don't have this eternity anymore. The stopwatch has started to tick and time feels limited and IS limited.

I started to want to spend the weekends 'family time' with family instead of friends or at home, even on days i didn't feel like talking much i wanted to just be there with them.

So i was thinking about how emotional i get because of what these events remind me of and i realised something. I hated this feeling because i was ..scared. Scared of losing my love ones even though i know that it is inevitable. People are not getting younger and while i'm about to embark on my career and maybe new family in the future, it feels like a much shorter time before i start losing the ones that i grew up with.

I'm not ready for that, I havent spent enough time with them yet and i probably never will. I hope that when the inevitable happens, the thought of the big warm happy family that i will then once have does not sadden me but instead makes me happy and fills me with strength.

Signing off, mun.

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