Tuesday, September 25, 2012
so thursday is coming closer and closer too fast ):
so many things on my mind right now, dont even know if i should bother to type it! after all its the same old isnt it! i just wish one of those fantasies will come true and i'll find a better purpose of life! a demigod maybe? -.- a wizard???? a tribute???? HELLO IS THERE SOMETHING THAT IM MEANT TO DO THAT IM ACTUALLY GOOD AT?!???? =.=
oh jeez....
so im just sitting here looking at thursday fly towards me and thinking if i would end up breaking down again or just being blank when i have to leave. maybe i'm accustomed to pushing feelings away already? I DUNNNOOOOOO!!!!!! thursday please please please dont come i wanna stay home with my friends and family and dog and my house and be in my room where i am so comfortable and can do anything i like and laugh and meet with my awesome friends who are the best people in the world that i can spend the rest of my life with and have the freedom to do anything in my room and sleep with nice aircon and live in the culture that im so comfortable with and have a tv and not worry about anything else and make juice every night and bake when i want to and visit my cousins in my grandma's house and play with them and talk to my cousin about percy jackson and cycle late at night and feel the nice wind in my hair and go out for dinner with friends at nice restaurants with nice things to eat and drink like gongcha and doing all kinds of sports whenever i want to and get some sun when i need to and have awesome sleepovers where i sleep on the floor but dont care and have jesse jump on my bed and wake me up every morning and sleep on my bed with me and cuddle with me whereever i am in the house and go for walks at night when im too full and not having to do my own laundry and clean my own room and read all the nice books and can run all over the house when im bored or start singing at the top of my voice or play guitar and drums whenever i like and have space to run around whereever i go and not having to care what i wear half the time and sms my best friends because smsing is so much nicer than whatsapp and going to SICC to play tennis and laughing so much when i spend time with friends that my chest hurt and having nice chats or htht with people whom i love talking with so much and not having to try to be something more when im in uk and just knowing that im near everybody that i love and care about, whom i grew up going through thick and thin with! i'll never get to do all these in UK ): all back to the sad and lonely and gloomy and wishing i was home and not having anyone with the same interests and NOT LAUGHING GENUINELY AT ALL =.= im so gonna miss laughing man
and although im home and really wish i could do more things right now, theres still no place better than home~
thursday please slowwww downnnnnnnnnnnnn ):
on a seperate note the mark of athena (another percy jackson book) is coming out in about a week and IM STOKED!!!!!!!!!! nobody to fangirl with! dangit.
Signing
off, mun.
...
Monday, September 17, 2012
whats the point of having a blog when all your deepest emotions are in the drafts? =.=
ikr.
anyway so i cant sleep and i figure its my brain running overtime and cant stop so i googled "how to not think so much" oh god what an idiot. but i found this "Focus on what’s in front of you instead of flying off to the past or Tomorrowland for long periods of time" and i found it funny for some reason but totally true. but i think its more of thinking too much about the present?
maybe i've got ADHD or something.
-takes ADHD online test-
"
Results of your
Attention Deficit Disorder Quiz
You scored a total of
64
"
....ohwells. lets try to sleep again.
Signing
off, mun.
...
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
second post. i feel like this diary thing really helps.
its still me trying to collect my thoughts.ive been thinking so much and registering so little.
i have been thinking about this for awhile too. i think im not treating my friends like they are friends. friends should share troubles right? but i share my troubles with my computer instead where everybody can read it. its not fair right. i know. do they mind? i dont know :\ i hope they do and hope they dont.i really want to share it with them but i feel like im disturbing them(same ol problem), i should be helping them to go through their vigorous studying regime by encouraging them or not talking to them at all. its not that i dont love you. i do! more than yall know.
just need to address this because i feel like it needs to be written down.weird.
sometimes i feel like im thinking so much i dont understand my own thoughts. even reading my blog wont help you understand. because i dont understand myself, duh. .......thats complicated.
also i feel like i need friends to keep my character in check. like what am i doing, what i should and shouldnt do.i dont realise what im doing sometimes and i think some stuff i do isnt very normal because im quirky and awkward like that (its not a good thing). so i feel i need people to help me realise what im doing to them. because with this messy uk-infested slow thinking brain of mine, i aint gonna be able to do all these just yet. talk about being useless.
oh by the way, its jesse's birthday! HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESS :D thanks for all the support you've given me you'll never ever know, all the times you make me laugh, cheer me up, keep me company, be there for me whenever i need it(duh youre always home), make me feel loved and the list goes on.i dont think i displayed how much i care that physically to anyone either =.= (dont think dirty) i call you shilly shilly but youre not silly at all...but thanks for everything and sorry for all that ive done to you ive been a terrible master leaving and returning constantly when youre only 2 years old. i cry whenever i think of how painful it must be to go through this from your perspective because it is already painful enough from mine. i hate how my heart breaks everytime i see your face when i walk out of that door with my luggage.you're the cause of half the tears spilled from home to uk. sorry i didnt take enough care of you when you were younger and let you get sick. i wish/want to be a better owner jess but i'll never be able to do as much as you've done for me already. thanks for coming into my life <3 p="p">
why i posted that on my blog i dont know i should just tell her. but i'll be either laughing or crying before i finish saying half of it. nevertheless, thank you jesse. its cheesy but you do brighten up my day.
UGH IM SUCH AN EMO NEMO. i think its just all the accumulation from trying to feel nothing for 4 months. anyway so, i miss my friends so much. so glad i could meet up with some of them recently! i forgot how much i laughed when im with them! compared to UK all these are so magical! im getting really cheesy here, i know. but its true, just penning down my thoughts now.i dont really know what to think or do during this period though.in march i came back and had only one motive which was to frantically meet up with friends even if i had to cut back on things like sleep.i mean even if im not taking A levels im feeling the side effects of it too =.= not fair lolol. i think i vaguely remember trying to be more cheerful and optimistic at the start of the year. and it was kinda working but i lost it all. crap! now i feel im not rooted enough to do this!
kk i have a visa appointment tmr and i need to sleep earlier its 1.30am and i have been dizzy all day.
sorry all i do is complain.if its good i dont write it right? =.= i know thats bad. now when im old and have nothing to do i'll come back and read this blog and only read the bad things that ive experienced and die sad.hm ._.
......and i never said it but now is the time where i feel stupid and like im being judged because when people read this blog(if they ever do) theyre gonna be like "omg whats wrong with her?!?!!?!" ohman. talk about reputation. pah!
Signing
off, mun.
...
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
so i came back this afternoon and was thinking why i was feeling so "off".
not gonna lie but ever since i came home, or rather ever since i spent 4 months alone in UK, i feel like i forgot who i am. how i used to be, how i act around people, the things where i used to "ensure" i had to do when im with people, my usual habits. all forgotten.
oops..... ._.
i came home thinking everything will be normal. and it pretty much is! only for the fact that i still dont really know how i used to be! maybe spending too much time alone while everybody mug their heads off made me a little socially awkward. like i cant control my actions or thoughts as well as i would like to. was i like that before? i dont know, i forgot. and that is scary :\ i dont know how to describe it but i forgot how i react to situations.my brain is thinking much slower than it used to be. (or am i thinking too much? i dont know. )
it kind of feels like im torn between how i act in UK and singapore. sometimes i'll just do the action and not know why.at home i usually know the reason for every movement that i make and every thought that i think and what to do. now i feel like i lost it =.= same towards other people i used to observe and think and understand reasons behind every action and now im just staring. and its like im in some vacuum just floating around catching glimpses of how im supposed to be. in fact parts of me feels like im closing up to people back home and that is bad considering i only open up them. maybe i dont want to disturb them? maybe its just me? idk. maybe i'll just type it all these out to keep my thoughts in track as ive stopped doing that since i left in march trying to make things easier.and i havent had a htht in forever either! an identity crisis, this is.
was just talking to shannon and agreed that no matter what happens in UK, i'll still prefer the friends back at home. friends in uk, theyre great. but i dont feel like im myself exactly, in fact i dont like how i have to be there sometimes. i feel as if im not being myself when i try to be a better person/change the way i act.so now im stuck with it and sometimes people think thats how i have been all the time. plus the fact that almost nobody have similar thinking as me. i probably laugh once or twice a day and it gets depressing. cant help thinking that if i didnt give up, i wont have to go through this. but then i'll have other things to worry about.
maybe i'll make new friends when uni starts, maybe it'll get better like i keep telling myself. maybe it wont be like what i think where everybody finishes a levels and go off flying high the in skies and when i come back nobody remembers me =.= sounds silly but, essentially i have only been keeping in touch with like 5 people. and me being reluctant to initiate because i feel like im disturbing people whenever i do adds to the fact that everybody is busy right now and it doesnt help the situation at all. its so sad.
i have learnt no matter where you go you'll still have problems. maybe its just me being weak and complaining.essentially, i still feel extremely lost walking along this path less taken, only being aware of how i feel. i dont know when or how but i really hope i'll feel like im walking the right path sooner or later like i did in term 1. right now it may seem like its a better path for those stuck studying, but this path is really lonely and theres no sign boards, its not as easy for someone as pessimistic/weak as me.
after pouring all my thoughts/emotions here, i conclude that im useless )': i should stop complaining and be stronger. why do i complain so much. life is never gonna be smooth sailing so like pull up your socks man youve already been given a second chance. like wtf are you doing.
i need to collect my thoughts because they're all over the place.
Signing
off, mun.
...
